Breathing under the waters

Breathing under the waters

20 November 2015

 

Angels9
Courtesy pinterest.com

 

All that I had been

And could never be again

Oozed from inked fingers

 

My Heart stared now stale

At the mildew that had grown

Between the brown cracks

 

Painted pink toenails

Emblem of prompt womanhood

Stolen from ashes

 

Of writhing childhood

Hush mother hears not the voice

Your cries in silence

 

Father will have built

A cradle of blank despair

Reverberating

 

As the wolves circled

For the loss of innocence

Quiet now the lair

 

Sleazy press buttons

The ease of the undressing

Emotions low raked

 

Into pile of leaves

In the snows of memories

That winter faded

 

The living decay

Composition of all sorts

Games of pallid stones

 

flowergirl
Courtesy pinterest.com

I threw as you did

The blue puddle grew the more

When the ripples spoke

 

Of broken riddles

Between the light and the dark

Decomposing void

 

Surviving shrill chimes

Dark bleeding nursery rhymes

That lurked in corners

 

 

A kiss for solace

Staring into dark stories

That ever survived

 

A kiss for the peace

A kiss for the forgiveness

In white shroud my heart

 

A kiss to forget

Recomposing childhood tunes

With black on white curves

 

Suffocation lost

Breathing under the waters

Amphibia the change

 

Air in my lungs whips

Another life in motion

The pale blue tides wept

 

Of waking splendour

The pacified jagged rocks

That withstood the Times

 

foghorn wallwides com
Courtesy wallwides.com

water journeyintothegoddess wordpress com

Courtesy journeyintothegoddess.WordPress.com

Baba Nam Kevalam .•*`❀ Celestial Kirtan

Bendición de tu Madre •❤• Snatam Kaur

Amy’s Lullaby – Mars Lasar (new version as the older more beautiful video El Ángel de tu Corazón ⋰♡⋱ Amy’s Lullaby got deleted from youtube)

Anuradha Paudwal – Shakti Prayer

Doll tale 2: Mireille’s ways

Doll tale 2 : Mireille’s ways

27 September 2014

Domestic violence victim

 

Simon was a sweet soul. Everyone in his neighbourhood in a small suburb in Geneva loved him because he was always ready to and even volunteering to help anyone who came his way. A slight-figured man with a clean-shaven and very forgettable face, he was nonetheless liked by both the youngsters and the older generation because of his well-mannered and quiet ways.

A consultant in the local insurance firm, Simon knew everything about everyone and was always available to help out with insurance claims even when his boss believed it would not be in the best interest of the firm they both worked for.  All knew and recognized that Simon was a decent fellow and had high moral values so his boss put up with his behaviour because ultimately, the boss too was from the same suburb which had once been some sort of a village. He would not have wanted to face the neighbours’ wrath if Simon had turned them off and some smart lawyer from downtown Geneva had enlightened them on the validity of their claims.

Simon had a wife called Mireille. She was all the opposite of Simon. Her hair was always unkempt and the smell that rose from her was often disturbing in the winter and outright unbearable in the summer heat as it turned into a stench of sweat and sometimes, on Sundays, a mixture of sour armpits and some cheap cologne. A sullen, ill-mannered creature with hardly any education, she was always glaring at people from beneath an unbelievably tussled nest of hair that barely left any of her face visible and seldom greeted anyone except the local priest.

All the neighbours never understood how sweet-natured Simon could have married and continue to live with such a woman. Then again, when you knew that Simon and Mireille had four children, you understood that the poor fellow must have got trapped in the marriage and him being such a sweet soul, he naturally must have chosen to “stick around” and make the best of his marriage rather than divorce and expose the children to grief.

Mireille, despite being unkempt and unclean, was somehow perceived as a very religious person, to the extent that some could qualify her as being a bigot. She never missed the Sunday mass except when she was visiting her mother with the children. Those were the only Sundays when Simon would come to the mass and tell everyone apologetically that Mireille had gone off to see her mother with the children and could not be there.

All attending the mass would then nod their heads understandingly and smile at Simon although nobody really understood why he was informing them as nobody really could say they missed Mireille’s presence. It was awfully nice of him though to show up and stand in for his wife despite the fact that everyone knew he had so much work on Sundays and normally could not make it to mass. He would then take some of the mass wine that father Mathieu had set aside for Mireille and go back home immediately after mass.

One fine month, Mireille skipped mass more than one Sunday and it was only on Simon’s uncomfortable fourth Sunday apology for her absence that people actually realized that Mireille had not been to mass the whole of the month. Some whispered amongst each other that maybe her prolonged absence at her mother’s place meant that finally Simon was going to be freed from her. Although some felt that it was a shame for the kids, they believed that it was probably the best for all as Simon would probably be able to file for custody of the children. Many neighbours gathered together that Sunday after mass and discussed how they could approach the subject and be of help to Simon in his future custody battle.

Father Mathieu who was leaving the mass and was passing by the Café-bar where they had gathered happened to overhear their discussion. He stopped and turning around to face the assembly told them that it was their Christian duty not to encourage this sort of a behaviour and that if they were going to let Simon know they would support him in a custody battle then that would equate to instigating his divorce.

Some of those present looked crestfallen but a small group who really empathized with Simon voiced their concerns that Father Mathieu should not have more understanding and support for a sweet-natured soul like Simon who was spending his life miserable in a situation which he should be helped to come out from. They further tried to prove the validity of their point of view by arguing that Simon being already a sweet and helpful soul, surely it could only be a benefit to the Christian community that such a man be freed from his misery to be able to carry out more community work for someone who would at least be thankful for it, unlike Mireille who seemed incapable of gratitude or any other positive feeling.

Father Mathieu said nothing but just stared at his shoes and the crowd, emboldened by what they thought was their successful convincing on their point of view pursued their reasoning and even tried to get Father Mathieu involved in the mission of liberating Simon. At the mention of such a possibility Father Mathieu started as if somebody had poked him with a hot iron and blurted out a sharp “No, I will not be a part of it” before walking away holding his head in his hands and muttering.

“Let him go, that’s the church for you” said Estelle the bar-tender. “They will continue to support even someone like Mireille just because she is supposedly a devout Christian but they will never help someone like Simon because he skips mass “. The crowd then devised how best to help and it was decided with the consent of all including Estelle who had half-volunteered that she would be the one who would be in charge of initiating the talks. As she was a tough stout woman who took no nonsense from anyone, including the late night drinkers that she would throw out herself by their ears, it was felt by all the gathering that she would be able to handle Mireille without much effort and at the same time be able to talk to Simon from equal to equal.

That night, Estelle closed her bar earlier after throwing out the last of the crowd that was still huddled in a corner playing rummy and set off on foot to Simon and Mireille’s house. Upon arriving at their fence she rang a couple of times before realizing that Simon had told them that both the gate bell and the doorbell had to be fixed so she hopped over the small garden fencing and walked quickly to the backyard as Simon and Mireille probably left the backyard door open like most of the neighbours.

On reaching the backdoor, Estelle realized that it was actually locked so she peered through the glazed panes to see if someone was nearby and could come to open the door. A dimmed light from the living room cast shadows around the walls and suddenly Estelle saw a thin bloodied figure dart across the living room followed closely by another less slight figure and even her tough heart skipped a beat as she recognized Mireille more by the tussled nest on her head than from the actual figure as nobody had ever seen her in anything else than very loose slacks and a big shirt that did not show much of her figure. Mireille was wearing a gown that was shredded in many places and through the shreds one could guess in the dim light that it was blood and skin that was oozing out. Behind her, closing in on her was Simon who seemed nothing like the Simon that Estelle knew. She could see his profile cut out against the dim light of the living room and he looked murderous, his hand carrying a belt that he was swishing above his head and at Mireille. At that moment, a small movement in the corner of the room caught her eyes and Estelle realized that it was one of the four children who was crawling towards his mother and tugging the bottom of Simon’s pants to which Simon reacted in a way that shocked Estelle into action as he just shook his leg and sending the child away from him with something like a half-kick.

The backyard door was no match for Estelle’s hundred kilogram massive frame and Simon froze as he saw Estelle burst into the kitchen from the backyard like some avenging Hulk. Estelle grabbed the child whom she put on the couch and then moved on to Simon whom she quickly immobilized against the wall before taking away the belt that he had been using to whip Mireille.

“What the f… is going on here” screamed Estelle who was well-known for her colourful language. Mireille, as always with her stony demeanour, just glared at Estelle and said nothing. Estelle felt the rage bubble inside her and knew she was close to hitting Simon if nobody would break the silence so she dropped the belt on the ground. Attempting to calm herself down, she said again in a loud voice “Mireille, put on the lights and can one of you tell me what the f.. is happening here?”.

Simon, eyes downcast feebly responded “I tried to stop her. She would not listen so I had to take the belt”.

“What do you mean take the belt?” raged Estelle. “I saw you using it on Mireille. She was not the one holding it”

“I tried to stop her” said Simon again

“Are you f..  telling me that she was hitting the kids and you tried to stop her?” barked Estelle

Simon paused, looked at Mireille who was turning on the lights, then looked at Estelle again and his expression softened changing back to the Simon they all knew. “You know me Estelle” he said. “I would not hurt a fly”.

Estelle faltered. She was sure she had seen him kick off his oldest son who had been crawling towards him but then the light had been so dim. Maybe she had imagined it. Could it be that this demented woman had attempted to hurt the children and Simon had then lost it and started hitting her with the same belt she was attempting to use against the children?

What was she thinking? Of course it could not be possible. She turned towards Mireille again who was walking or rather limping slowly back towards them and she got another shock as she took in the swollen closed left eye, the reddened right eye and the gashed cheeks, the slashes across the neck and the cut lips. She felt sick as her gaze went down to the bruised breasts and thighs from the gaping holes in the gown. It was only from Simon’s gasp and Mireille’s cry that she realized that she had increased her pressure against his throat.

“Please, please, let him go” begged Mireille.

Simon, eyes rolling, could not utter a sound and Mireille begged again “Please Estelle, just let him go”.

“What the f… do you mean let him go? Are you going to tell me that you don’t want this murderous b… dead? I don’t know what has been going on between both of you but I have seen enough tonight to know that you should not be here with your children”.

“Where would I go?” said Mireille in an eerily quiet voice

“Anywhere, but the furthest from this f… place” said Estelle. “Are you a f… idiot? Don’t you realize that one day you are going to end up dead?”

“I have nowhere to go” repeated Mireille in her stony toneless voice.

“Of course you have somewhere to go, you can go to your f… mother’s house” yelled Estelle. “Can’t she put you up until the social services find you something where you can stay with your kids?”

“My mother’s been dead for over 5 years Estelle. She passed away before our first son was born” said Mireille in a quiet voice.

“What the f.. “ started Estelle and her voice trailed off as the full horror of the situation started to sink into her brain. She realized then that every time Mireille had skipped mass it was not because she was at her mother’s house as Simon said but it had probably been because she was in no state to be seen.

Estelle stared in disbelief at Simon, marveling at how he had fooled them all into believing he was a meek good natured fellow while all the while this monster had been abusing his family right under their noses and they had all been sympathizing with him for his miserable life with Mireille. She tightened her grip again without realizing it.

“Let him go Estelle, please” Mireille pleaded again. “It is not his fault, he is ill. He loses his temper because of his illness but then he always regrets and makes amends”

“Like hell he is going to be ill when I have finished with him and you better tell me you’re finished with him too” blurted Estelle.

“Let him go Estelle” repeated Mireille in a firmer voice. “One must always present the other cheek and not rise against one’s spouse. Marriage vows are sacred” she continued.

“Are you a f… lunatic or what” Estelle ranted at her. “What other cheek? The one which is torn apart from the belt handle or the one that is swollen from the beating?

“You don’t understand” Mireille said. “He is sick but I can cure him. Father Mathieu said that I should be patient and obedient and that I should do all I can not to provoke him but to bring into his heart the love of Jesus Christ our Saviour. He who has given himself to carry all our sins will also bring peace into Simon’s heart and everything will be alright. What God has united no man can separate”

“Nonsense” screamed Estelle. “I knew that Father Mathieu was up to no good, I just did not realize the extent of it. What idiocy has he put into your brains now? If Simon is indeed sick then he needs a psychiatrist, not a wife whom he can beat every time he feels like it. I don’t know anything about your marriage but nothing justifies what he has done to you and nothing justifies what I saw him doing to your oldest son. You must leave this house now and if you don’t do it on your own, I will make it happen”

“Estelle, please, let him go” said Mireille again in a pleading voice. “Social services will not help us throughout. They will only help in the beginning during the time of the police investigation and then we will be left to fend for ourselves. Father Mathieu has already told me how it will be as he has seen such situations so many times before. I am not educated and it will be very difficult for me to find a job. Simon has a good job, he pays for everything. It is not that bad aside from the weekend. Please, Estelle, let him go”.

Estelle slowly released her grip on Simon’s neck and he adjusted his gait, collected himself into his well-natured mask again and seemed about to say something before he froze under the hatred in Estelle’s look and thought the better of it. He retreated slowly to the other end of the room and sat on the couch where Estelle had placed the child earlier. The child hurriedly dashed out of the couch and towards his mother who winced when he clutched her bare and sore thighs but held him close all the same.

Estelle backed slowly away from both parties until she felt the other wall behind her. Her mind was racing and she could not decide what the best thing to do was. She remembered how in other suburbs there had been cases of drunken husbands and always the children had ultimately been placed in a home because the mother often was deemed incapable of ensuring a decent income for the children or had resorted to prostitution as a profession and the father was considered unfit to take care of his offspring. This could not be happening she thought. Not in their nice quaint suburb with its beautiful gardenias and poinsettias, with its quaint green coloured fences and beautiful hedges. This happened in squalid neighbourhoods where people took drugs and houses were shabby with broken windows and squatter tags across the buildings.

Estelle breathed out a sigh and said in a steely voice “Okay, here is what we are going to do until I have decided what is better. Simon, you are going to ask one of your friends to lodge you for a week or so until I can think more clearly about this whole matter.”

Simon was about to say something when Estelle cut in icily “I don’t care whether you have a friend who will lodge you or not and in fact you can go to hell for all I care but either you are out of this house tonight or I am calling the police immediately. “

Simon grudgingly nodded in acquiescence and Estelle continued “You will change your common bank account tomorrow to Mireille’s sole name and you will open another bank account for yourself where she will wire half what is in your common bank account now and tomorrow first thing in the morning you will also request your boss to systematically wire half your monthly salary into Mireille’s account.” Simon scowled but nodded yes again.

“Now beat it” growled Estelle before adding “and remember, I am not Mireille and I will always know where to find you so don’t try doing anything funny because I will be coming back to this house and checking on everyone every day.”

Simon went up the stairs to the bedroom where she heard him put some clothes together into a suitcase that he came down with and he then walked towards the front door, opened it, looked back scowling at Mireille and then pulled the door shut behind him.

Estelle then went towards Mireille and proceeded to inch her slowly towards the bathroom where she found a first-aid kit and tended to Mireille’s wounds. Passing the corridor she was surprised to see a sunny picture of a very pretty Mireille in a wedding gown standing all teeth flashing in a smile and hair impeccably shaped into curls around her soft and warm face. At that unexpectedly beautiful sight tears rolled down Estelle’s cheeks as she thought of how much they had misjudged Mireille and never given her a chance to feel welcome in their midst. She thought that if only one of them had been more understanding, more welcoming maybe Mireille would have felt comfortable enough to share with them her situation and they could have helped her earlier. She just could not fathom how year after year this woman had borne that monster one child after another and carried on in this living hell. She looked again at Mireille who was also looking up at the portrait of her wedding day.

“I used to be pretty, yes and that sometimes can be a curse. Simon did not like men looking at me. He would ask me to dress less provocatively and not to doll myself up to entice their looks.”

When she caught Estelle’s surprised look she added “Yes, I know, I don’t look like I used to doll myself up but I was quite vain you know. I liked wearing pretty things and having my hair curled up nicely. God help me, I used to like it when men thought I was pretty. I never had a proper education you know so there was nothing else for anyone to admire than my looks. My uncle married me off quickly to Simon right after I finished my apprenticeship and I never had a chance to go even to technical school. Simon has a temper because of his medication you know. He does not mean to be nasty, it is just the medication that makes him lose his temper when we are discussing. He is always sorry afterwards.”

Estelle tried to find something comforting to say but being the tough bartender she was she failed to find something comforting to say and all she could do was grunt.

“Father Mathieu also said that a woman should not bring ungodly thoughts into the mind of a man who is not her husband. He said I should repent from having such thoughts and should try to be a better wife for Simon. He said Simon was not responsible for his behaviour and it was the devil’s work putting these ideas of seducing men into my head which then angered Simon. He said that as I knew Simon’s condition with the medication, I should try to be a better and more Christian wife so as not to provoke him. I tried you know. I tried so hard…” Mireille broke down sobbing. All those beatings she had taken silently but now, staring up at that beautiful picture of herself taken on a sunny morning when she thought her heart would burst with happiness, she could not bear the anguish she felt now. All those years that had gone by while day after day she was less able to feel any happiness and keener to just not displease Simon, all those hopes crushed and how she had slowly turned from that beautiful sun-kissed smiling girl into this sullen, grey woman.

Estelle held Mireille’s sobbing body gingerly trying not to hurt her more than she was already hurt but it was difficult as she was bruised all over. When finally Mireille’s outburst was over, Estelle half helped half carried her up the stairs and put her in bed before tending to the children. Two of them were fast asleep in the big bed in their room and she cleaned up the oldest before putting him to bed with his siblings. The youngest was also fast asleep in his crib and she marveled at the children’s capacity to not be disturbed by the fuss that had been going on downstairs. They probably were used to such noises and grew so accustomed to it that it did not wake them anymore she thought with a pang of guilt. It was also true that she herself had not heard anything much apart from the pitter patter of feet before she had seen Mireille dashing across. Probably Mireille never made a sound so as to preserve her children as much as she could. Estelle was torn between cursing Mireille for letting this go on for so long and admiring her for trying so hard to make things work despite the dire situation. She was not sure what to do so thought she should maybe discuss this with someone who had more experience than her with such matters.

The following morning, I sat at the typewriter, writing down the horrors that came out of Estelle’s mouth as the social worker who had brought me along was not very quick at typing. I was a volunteer at the abused women’s shelter at the local Commune near the suburb where Estelle lived. I watched Estelle and Florence as they discussed various options and typed away all what was being discussed my heart beating at the idea that some women could be living in such slavery and misery just a few kilometers from the heart of our lovely international city. Geneva, the city of neutrality, the city of human rights and human rights’ militants where so many immigrants held a hope of a better tomorrow.

Mireille was awarded full custody of her children and the judge ruled that she would keep the house. She started working with Estelle as waitress and people, as if to compensate for their lack of insight earlier, tipped her heavily. Simon did not lose his job and did not go to jail as Mireille did not press charges and there were no hospital records and no police had intervened earlier to have a case to present the general attorney. He was awarded visitation rights but limited to one hour per week and under strict surveillance but he never used those rights. Simon’s boss maintained his job more to help Mireille than for Simon himself. All those who used to like him before and enjoy his company now scrupulously avoided him as they could not understand how any medication could lead a person to behave like that with his family.

I saw Mireille from time to time when I did my volunteer work at the shelter. I used to take down notes while she talked with the social worker and the psychologist and marvel at how she could continue to think that she was to blame for Simon’s reactions. I never saw Simon and never felt the inclination to go and see what he looked like although I did go to meet Estelle or Mireille’s children a few times when I was not far from the suburb. Every time I entered the suburb I marveled at how people there could have been so oblivious to such human suffering a few meters away from them. I took a seat and looked on from the Café-bar as the sun slowly set and a crowd gathered to play rummy. The scent of gardenias filled the air from the nearby pots as dusk slowly fell and I watched Mireille and Estelle smiling at each other and exchanging jokes. Estelle was the only person at whom Mireille smiled but for all others she would only offer a sullen face. I took out my wallet to pay as I got ready to leave the place and head back home. Somehow, I felt that I too shared some of the guilt this suburb felt each time we looked at Mireille and like many others I tipped heavily and sighed with some sense of relief as I stood to leave.

Point break, the limits of injustice that disappoint

9 November 2010

 

 Σ ∞

I await that one truly Just at last they will appoint

This justice system with injustice, us it did anoint

My finger is crooked my every member is disjoint

To wait and to point, myself, in vain I disappoint

 Σ ∞

The waiting that stretches beyond breaking point

I am dead sea as arthritis invades my every joint

To injustice and inequity every finger I may point

But wailing and pointing, in vain are, though joint

 Σ ∞

Reading of my poem on youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iELXMPBQZY8

 Σ ∞

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUjhQLB0hXY&feature=share

 Σ ∞

 

French justice, a cloak of wear and tear

9 November 2010

 

 ♣

Fool I try to catch now what I had let go, haughty mare

Ailments in wailing I cry me a pail so wail as they stare

I go on oblivious to their frowns heeding not their glare

Banshee and ogress I turn, I once little frightened hare

 ♣

I run in a competition that has no concept left of the fair

My ankles flailing don’t allow me to climb so many a stair

Higher in injustice I rise and oxygen in purity fails my pair

Air I beseech, sweet air, oh I gasp within my hidden lair

 ♣

I run, reach out but all I reach is nothing but this thin air

I run here, no, wrong place it is there, I cry tear my hair

I seek; know not how to reach within this vile Vanity Fair

Blue white red between grey mirth and such dark despair

 ♣

Their justice more injustice would once more for us bare

In impunity they carve into their system with such care

Intricate details to make you win any if not all your share

Of misery as they deny you. Fight back? Don’t you dare!

 ♣

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kylN_Fk-RNo

 ♣

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnR1FJ6yQq4&feature=share

 ♣

Maltraitance, comment la déceler pour un néophyte

Considérations d’une non initiée à la psychologie infantile sur la difficulté de détermination de la maltraitance infantile et les pistes qui pourraient permettre de déceler son existence au sein d’une famille  

   

6 septembre 2010  

Les magistrats français se penchant sur le cas de la fixation de la résidence des enfants en cas de désaccord des parents ne sont pas rompus à l’exercice quand ils se trouvent devant des cas psychologiquement difficiles. En effet, dans un cas de maltraitance, force est de constater que les juges ne disposent pas de l’entraînement nécessaire pour pouvoir identifier eux-mêmes l’existence de maltraitance dans le dossier qui leur est soumis.  

Cet examen est d’autant plus ardu que n’est pas abusif qui le veut bien. Il se peut, en effet, que le parent abusif ne se rende même pas compte d’être abusif et pense simplement agir pour le bien de sa famille. Il peut arriver qu’il mette sa maltraitance sur l’énervement du moment, se consolant du fait que l’enfant abusé l’aime encore et que ce n’était donc pas si grave. La découverte de la maltraitance est d’autant plus difficile si on ne prête pas suffisamment attention au témoignage des enfants et si on se laisse berner par l’apparente affabilité du parent abusif.  

Les cas les plus extrêmes, des enfants abusés qui finissent à l’hôpital, ne permettent pas au parent abusif de garder cette quiétude d’esprit. Mais tant que l’abus n’est « que » verbal, « que » moral, « léger » en étant physique, personne vivant dans l’environnement du parent abusif ne pense qu’il est utile d’en tenir compte et il se sent donc conforté dans l’opinion que ce qu’il fait n’est pas bien grave. Il peut même être tenté de donner à son abus une qualification d’éducation et d’enseignement.  

L’abus verbal peut comprendre une ou plusieurs des phrases suivantes : « tu es nul », « tu n’arriveras jamais à rien », « tu es un incapable », etc.  

L’abus moral, quant à lui peut comprendre une contrainte, une absence d’écoute, un mépris affiché pour l’enfant, un parent qui interrompt l’enfant et lui fait comprendre que son avis ne compte pas, un parent qui indique que l’enfant ne comprend rien, une négligence des besoins de base de l’enfant, etc.  

L’abus physique “léger” se manifeste avec des excuses dans le genre « une gifle ce n’est rien du tout », « je lui ai juste tordu le bras pour qu’il se tienne tranquille », « je lui ai serré très fort la main pour qu’il ne s’en aille pas », « arrête, il n’a rien senti », « j’étais obligé de l’attraper par le cou car on n’avait pas de temps à perdre ». La liste des sévices corporels est longue et va des faits considérés acceptables par la plupart aux débordements plus graves comme secouer très fort son enfant, le pousser violemment contre le mur ou lui broyer le genou ou l’épaule entre ses mains.  

Plusieurs types de raisons peuvent pousser des parents à devenir des parents abusifs :  

–          Ceux qui ont été abusés eux-mêmes et qui ne connaissent pas d’alternative à ce comportement  

–          Ceux qui ont une pulsion pour faire du mal (cas extrême psychologique)  

–          Ceux qui se laissent emporter par le stress du moment et se sentent légitimés dans leur emportement par le mantra auto-inoculé du « je ne pouvais pas faire autrement » ou «c’est lui/elle qui l’a cherché », « on n’avait pas le temps pour que je l’arrête autrement ».  

Si l’on accepte qu’il est difficile pour un magistrat de s’improviser psychologue diplômé et de connaître les divers types de parent abusif, il y a lieu de se demander malgré tout, si le stress dans la vie d’un parent ne devrait pas être un facteur déterminant d’examen approfondi de la situation familiale. En effet, si objectivement toutes les conditions sont réunies pour engendrer un stress permanent et croissant, il est utile d’effectuer une analyse psychologique plus poussée de la situation, surtout en présence de mots-clés des enfants dans leur témoignage (colère, négligence, etc.).  

Avant cet examen approfondi et dans le cas d’un doute sur l’existence d’une situation d’abus, le magistrat doit être formé à reconnaître les signes clairs de la possibilité d’existence d’un parent abusif afin de demander (si nécessaire) un examen psychologique plus poussé. Ces signes sont, essentiellement les suivants :  

1)    Le témoignage de l’enfant quant à la négligence du parent ou à de possibles comportements empreints de violence. Un témoignage qui recèlerait le moindre indice d’une telle réalité – quoi que soient les expressions infantiles employées – doit être entendu à la lumière de cette possibilité et donner suite à une évaluation psychologique aussi bien de l’enfant que du parent concerné  

2)    Des traits de caractère spécifiques à un parent abusif :  

–          Élevé dans un environnement de parents divorcés ou connaissant des difficultés; n’a pas eu un modèle de parents normaux  

–          Ment, manipule la vérité facilement  

–          Avance des accusations contre l’autre parent sans aucun fondement et s’acharne à détruire toute velléité de résistance chez l’enfant  

–          Ridiculise chaque tentative de l’enfant pour s’exprimer que ce soit directement ou indirectement  

–          Ne laisse pas la place à l’opinion de l’enfant  

–          Est persuadé que sa manière de voir est la seule vérité  

–          Isole la personne abusée des autres et surtout de l’autre parent  

–          Ne respecte pas le droit des autres et surtout ceux de l’enfant abusé  

–          Est convaincu que ce sont les autres qui font tout contre lui et fait de la projection de ses propres défauts sur l’autre parent et/ou sur l’enfant abusé  

–          Rejette la faute de ses comportements sur l’enfant abusé ou d’autres personnes dans la famille  

–          A de la difficulté à se maîtriser quand l’enfant abusé résiste à ses demandes  

3)    Un état de mutisme ou d’agressivité chez l’enfant abusé  

4)    Un sentiment de dévalorisation permanente émanant de l’enfant que ce soit dans la manière de se tenir (un maintien peu assuré – à ne pas confondre avec la timidité, une attitude recroquevillée, etc.) ou dans celle de s’exprimer (élocution peu claire, peur, évitement du contact des yeux – qu’il ne faut pas confondre avec l’évitement naissant du mensonge, etc.)  

De nos jours, la justice française est débordée, les services sociaux sont trop sollicités pour des cas extrêmes d’abus et on en oublie donc les enfants qui subissent une maltraitance « légère ».  

Seulement voilà, il y a lieu de comprendre une fois pour toutes, du haut de notre cynisme blasé, que dans le monde des enfants il n’y a ni souffrance plus méritante ni palier acceptable de douleur.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cPT3zpjAOo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzBcqG_9pPg

 

Témoignage des enfants

   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtUb5bsEf3E

Le témoignage des enfants devrait reprendre sa juste dimension dans la détermination de la résidence des enfants surtout si ceux-ci sont capables de discernement et ne sont pas sous l’influence du parent en faveur duquel ils témoignent, ou autrement dit d’autant plus qu’ils sont soumis à l’influence du parent contre lequel ils témoignent

6 septembre 2010

Maintenant, avec notre discussion du 31 août 2010, le juge aurait-il regardé d’un autre œil le témoignage de ma fille qui disait de son père « parfois il est colérique, surtout à l’égard de mon petit frère » ?

Je me le demande. Je me demande aussi si je n’aurais pas mieux fait de parler de ces préoccupations-là dès le départ. Je me dis que j’aurais sans doute mieux fait d’expliquer en détail pourquoi j’insistais pour que le papa n’ait pas la garde des enfants durant les périodes scolaires et pourquoi j’étais si inquiète à l’idée de ne pas pouvoir les contacter régulièrement durant l’été qu’ils passaient chez lui. Cela dit, je n’avais pas ces fameuses preuves dont a besoin la justice. Le faisceau d’indices ne semblait pas suffire en effet, ma fille qui parlait très clairement de crises de colère si l’on y regarde bien et mon fils parlant de négligence caractéristique des personnes qui peuvent virer à l’abusif (maison sale et poussiéreuse avec cafards présents, peu de temps accordé aux enfants pendant les périodes de vacances, etc.).

Il faut dire que malgré ce que me disait mon avocate et venant d’un monde oriental où c’est clairement la maman qui s’occupe des enfants – ce que je n’ai eu de cesse de faire durant toute leur vie – je ne m’attendais pas à cette possibilité qui me semblait trop absurde pour y croire vraiment.

Comment, en effet, un avocat associé avec des activités annexes allait-il pouvoir s’occuper de trois enfants dont un à tendance hyperactive ? Il faut dire aussi que j’espérais pouvoir ne pas en arriver là. J’avais commencé cette procédure légale soucieuse de ne pas trop ébruiter les éléments de ce drame familial, y compris vis-à-vis de ma propre avocate en espérant que c’est le bon sens qui finirait par l’emporter. Au lieu de cela, je me suis retrouvée confrontée à mes pires cauchemars. Mon ex-mari allait les avoir et en plus pendant la partie qui convenait le moins bien – soit celle de la période scolaire.

Devant les exhortations à la prudence de mon avocate, j’avais malgré tout demandé à mon beau-père de témoigner car il savait très bien que mon ex-mari n’y arrivait pas du tout avec les trois enfants et ce même pendant les petites périodes où son propre père l’aidait ainsi qu’une amie qui y allait de temps en temps mais il avait refusé.

Je comprends de par mon amour de mère son amour paternel et son argument que son fils lui en voudrait. Cela dit, je pensais que comme mes enfants étaient aussi ses petits-enfants, il serait sensible à leur douleur et chercherait à les protéger car après tout c’était eux la partie innocente dans toute cette affaire. En ne disant rien, en effet, il prenait le risque de les exposer à un séjour chez le père où au mieux c’était la négligence qu’il avait déjà constatée et au pire c’était la maltraitance qu’il ne semblait pas considérer comme une éventualité.

Quel dommage ! Après, les coïncidences et malchances se sont multipliées faisant que toute cette histoire a été un tel gâchis. Ce alors que j’avais tout fait pour que la transition d’une vie de famille à une vie entre parents divorcés se fasse en douceur, au prix de devoir mettre de côté mes propres sentiments et accueillir mon ex-mari chez moi quand il voulait venir à Dubaï et en m’arrangeant pour que le rendez-vous hebdomadaire soit toujours respecté et se passe bien.  

Ne trouvant pas justice auprès de la justice, j’ai ressenti le besoin de la chercher auprès de mes pairs en exposant toute cette histoire au grand jour afin de pouvoir dénoncer l’injustice et ôter le mythe de ce père parfait qui a écopé d’une horrible sorcière pour épouse d’une part et exhorter d’autre part à une réelle prise de conscience publique sur les dérapages possibles d’une justice peu équipée en procédures, législation et discernement quant à l’intervention dans une famille telle la nôtre avec toutes ses particularités

La vérité au-delà de ce dilemme familial sur le fait de dévoiler ou non, témoigner ou non, c’est qu’il n’y a pas assez de conscience en France comme dans beaucoup d’autres pays du monde sur la réalité de la maltraitance infantile. Pour ma part, je trouve que les magistrats qui décident de la résidence des enfants devraient recevoir une formation continue en matière de violence domestique et de maltraitance infantile afin d’éviter des jugements qui vont à l’encontre du bien-être des enfants qu’ils sont censés protéger.

En effet, bien qu’il soit primordial de bien connaître et de bien appliquer la loi dans les cas de désaccords familiaux et de détermination de la résidence des enfants, il est également très important de pouvoir reconnaître les signes avant-coureurs de la présence d’une maltraitance, surtout infantile.

La nécessité réside dans le fait que les victimes de maltraitance, ont beaucoup de pudeur et il règne chez eux une certaine culpabilité ainsi que confusion, quant à l’identification et l’assimilation de cette maltraitance dans leur quotidien.

L’autre élément un peu plus pernicieux tend au fait que quand la maltraitance n’est ni continue ni trop intense, il n’en subsiste qu’un sentiment de mal-être général qui n’est facile ni à exprimer ni à prouver. En effet, combien de couples se battant pour la garde de leurs enfants peuvent utiliser l’un et l’autre cet argument ! En l’absence de preuves matérielles, il est difficile de savoir qui croire.

C’est pour cette raison que beaucoup de parents vivant réellement cette impossibilité d’expression et voulant sauvegarder un semblant de dignité dans ce qui devient de  plus en plus une bataille mesquine, préfèrent utiliser d’autres moyens pour essayer d’obtenir la garde exclusive ou prédominante de leur enfant.

Pour pallier cette difficulté de communication et cette possibilité d’erreur, il est très important que les magistrats puissent aussi de leur côté identifier l’existence d’une maltraitance si imperceptible (quand vous ne la vivez pas), qu’elle en serait quasiment inexistante. Cet exercice est encore plus vital, si l’on s’apprête à rompre un difficile équilibre établi dans la famille concernée, où la maltraitance est endiguée, maîtrisée par l’autre parent pour l’empêcher d’envahir le quotidien. En effet, il suffirait de rompre ce fragile équilibre pour que la vie de l’enfant abusé bascule pour se placer indéfiniment dans le monde de la maltraitance de plus en plus soutenue.

Si l’on admet que déjà la négligence a des conséquences graves sur la santé physique et morale de l’enfant, il va de soi que négligence couplée à de la maltraitance finit d’achever le peu d’espoir qu’aurait eu l’enfant à une vie normale. De ce fait, aussi bien le côté relationnel (entre l’enfant abusé et sa famille ou l’enfant abusé et ses amis) que l’éducation s’en ressentent grandement. Par ailleurs, un enfant abusé présente plus de probabilités de se transformer à son tour en un parent abusif.

Stop child abuse – Stop maltraitance

Violence aux enfants non! psychique, verbale ou physique

Stop child abuse! moral, verbal or physical

Il faut de tout pour faire un monde

Mais il faut tout faire si on n’arrive pas à se contrôler

C’est facile de ne pas se sentir immonde

Quand l’enfant que vous blessez accourt pour vous aimer…

Dominer ce stress qui vous inonde

Vous encourageant à les négliger

Mais la terre n’est plus si rotonde

Quand la main dessus vous levez

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kr-t54MMaB0&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dUYXptYycU&feature=related

The world is made of all sorts and kinds

But one must do everything to protect

his own kind, even from himself , no blinds

See yourself, for better self-respect

if from stress you cannot  take the grinds

Or stop yourself from tired neglect

Of 50’s prison guard treatment this reminds

This behaviour one can only reject

Tranche de vie du 31 août – Pieces of life from 31 August

Depuis le jugement que l’on m’a communiqué le 12 août – jour de mon anniversaire, j’enregistre toutes les conversations avec mes enfants. Je veux d’une part pouvoir toujours établir la vérité (puisque mon ex-mari essaie de m’affubler de la réputation de la méchante sorcière) mais surtout d’autre part, je voudrais conserver un souvenir, quelque chose pour meubler ces tristes instants où je suis privée de leur vue et de leur voix.

Cette tranche de vie-là, comme vous l’entendrez, elle a trait à une discussion entre mon fils aîné et moi-même le jour de son anniversaire, le 31 août 2010. J’ai passé la journée à appeler, ai eu son père qui a trouvé des excuses pour  ne pas me le passer le jour de son anniversaire.

Quand enfin je peux parler à mon fils, il est dix heures moins le quart du soir et son père prétexte l’heure tardive pour me dire qu’il ne peut me parler que quelques minutes parce qu’il doit se coucher. Après lui avoir souhaité bon anniversaire, j’entends Loïc me demander encore de l’aider à sortir de là. Il m’avait déjà reproché dans des conversations précédentes de ne pas faire assez pour les sortir de là.

Ce soir, je suis fatiguée et lui dis que je ne peux pas faire tout, toute seule (ces parties là sont sur une autre bande de quelques minutes). Je lui explique qu’eux aussi doivent continuer à dire à leur père qu’ils n’ont pas changé d’avis. Ce nouvel enregistrement continue sur la suite de cette requête et je l’enjoins à persister de son côté aussi, parce qu’il est minuit moins le quart chez moi, que je suis en train de faire tout mon possible et que je suis lasse de me battre dans ma solitude. Je ne travaille plus, je ne dors quasiment plus, tout ce que je fais c’est me battre pour les aider à revenir ici où ils étaient heureux et bien soignés. Le reste, je vous laisse écouter.

Cette vidéo a pris beaucoup de temps à faire entre douleurs, vomissures, rébellion,  angoisse et déchirure. Une fois le nécessaire fait pour tenter de les protéger, j’ai pu enfin accomplir ce qui me semblait mission impossible et commencer à joindre l’image au son pour composer ce message qui malgré mon emportement du moment je veux empreint de paix dans ma tristesse. J’ai choisi des images de bonheur, d’union quand j’étais avec eux pour diminuer la douleur mais malgré tout la traduction comme la réunion de l’image et de la voix furent pour moi un tel chemin de croix. Au-delà du leur et du mien de cas, je vous rappelle les cas autrement plus graves qui, loin de ce dérapage contrôlé, font de certains enfants à l’hôpital de permanents invités. Cela dit, il n’y a pas de demi-teintes ou de douleurs moins méritantes dans la vie d’un enfant. Le châtiment corporel contre les enfants doit être sévèrement puni par la loi comme ça l’est en Amérique mais en évitant les débordements fanatiques de cette nation-là dans son application.

Cette tranche de vie, après seulement deux jours d’école, elle est le résultat d’un stress d’un parent seul qui ne sait pas, n’a jamais su gérer trois enfants et une vie professionnelle si prenante. Si l’on ajoute à cela un petit enfant de 5 ans qui est  à tendance hyperactive, on peut concevoir le dérapage mais on ne peut jamais l’accepter. Concilier vie de famille et vie professionnelle ne vient pas naturellement à un homme alors que le poids social finit par le faire se réaliser même chez les femmes les plus récalcitrantes alors imaginez l’écart avec une mère aimante. Je fais tout pour qu’avec l’augmentation du stress de ce difficile équilibre, ce cas ne devienne pas autrement plus grave. Ca n’arrive pas qu’aux moins bien lotis dans la vie. Mes enfants ne deviendront pas une statistique.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cPT3zpjAOo

Since the judgment that was released on 12th August – my birthday, I record all conversations with my children. I want one hand to always establish the truth (since my ex-husband is trying to create for me the reputation of the Wicked Witch), but above all else, I want a souvenir, something to fill those sad moments when I am deprived of their sight and their voices.

This slice of life, as you will hear it, concerns a discussion between my oldest son and myself on the day of his birthday, August 31, 2010. I spent the day calling, got his father several times and he found excuses not to pass me my son on his birthday.

When finally I can speak to my son, it is nine forty-five in the evening and his father now uses the late hour excuse to say he cannot talk to me more than a few minutes because he has to go to bed. After wishing him happy birthday, I hear Loïc ask me to help him out of there. He had already criticized in previous conversations that I was not doing enough to get him out of there.

Tonight, I’m tired and tell him I cannot do everything alone (these parts there are on another memo of a few minutes). I explain that they also must continue telling their father they have not changed their minds. This new recording continues after that initial request addressed to my son and I hereby ask him to persist on his side too, because it is eleven forty-five in the night where I live, because I’m doing my level best and because I’m tired of struggling alone. I do not work, I hardly sleep anymore, all I do is fight to help them come back here where they were happy and well cared for. The rest I will let you listen to.

This video has been slow to put together between pain, vomit, rebellion, anguish and tears. Once the required urgent measures to protect them taken, I could finally do what seemed an impossible mission and I began to attach the image to the voice to give you this message that, despite my anger of the moment, I would like to bear peace in the sadness. I chose images of happiness and togetherness when I was with them to ease the pain, yet the translation like the union of image and the voice was to me such an ordeal. Beyond their case and mine, I remind you of the far more serious cases, far from this controlled skid, that make some children permanent hospital guests. Having said that, there is no half- tones or less deserving pain in the life of a child. Corporal punishment against children should be severely punished by the law as it is in America but without the fanatical excesses of this nation in the application of such a law.

This slice of life, after only two days of school, is the result of the stress of a single parent who does not know, has never been able to handle three children together with such an intense professional life. If one adds to that a little 5 year old child who has hyperactive tendencies, we can see how one may stumble but we can never accept it. Reconciling family life and professional life does not come naturally to a man while the social weight eventually makes it happen even among the most recalcitrant of women, so imagine the difference with a loving mother. I do everything so that with the increased stress of this difficult balance, this case does not become much more serious. It does not happen only to those who are less well off in life. My children will not become a statistic.