1 November 2016
He was everywhere. She could feel him in the shadows that cloaked her when she walked in the scorching summer heat. She could feel him in the cool of the wind that caressed her skin in the air-conditioned room. She could feel him close by his breath mingling with the drops of water that fell off her neck while she showered. She could feel him in the constriction of her throat when sadness overcame her, easing his way up until she felt only peace. She could feel him in her bosom as it fluttered anxiously when fear visited slight. She could feel his hand in the small of her back when she needed support. He was everywhere.
I cannot go on like this, she said. She knew he was there as always but he did not answer. Why do you stay with me all the time, she asked again hesitantly. No answer. You have gone then, she ventured. No, she heard.
- Why do you stay?
- Why do you think?
- I don’t know. Do you miss the land of the living?
- I am not dead
- But you do not live
- I do. You know that I do. You have ample proof of that.
- I do not see you
- You know I am. You do not need to see me to know that.
- That’s easy for you to say. I might just be hallucinating, imagining you, creating you out of nothing
- Do you think you have that power?
- I… I don’t know anymore what power I have. Do I have power at all, I wonder
- Keep going
- I guess if I am imagining you so intensely that you almost exist then I must have some power. Am I creating you?
- (laughs) Am I creating you?
- I don’t know. Did you create me?
- You think too much
- Is that a bad thing?
- Not if you feel as much or more.
- Will you ever go away?
- No, perhaps for a short while sometimes but I will always keep an eye on you
- Is that a promise or a threat?
- What do you think?
- You never hurt me so I don’t think it is a threat but I still don’t understand. Why do you keep watch over me?
- Yes, I watch you
- Isn’t that unfair? You watch me but you never allow me to see you
- Maybe because you cannot or should not see me
- Why? Are you like…undead?
- I mean… are you a vampire
- If you are a vampire, would it not have been easier for you to just drink my blood and then go away for more blood elsewhere
- Blood, yes, there is the question of your blood
- So you are a vampire
- I don’t want to drink your blood. I have no desire to drink it
- So you are a vampire who finds my blood particularly undesirable or is it because I am no longer a virgin?
- (laughs) I think that is urban legend. Do you know of someone whose survival would depend on something and yet he would be choosy about it and take only certain types of what he needs?
- Well I saw a horror movie once where the vampire gets ill when drinking the blood of a woman who is not a virgin
- (laughs) you’ve watched too many movies
- How would you know?
- I know what you think, remember?
- You’re in my head. Yes, you’re in my head! You are a mere creation. You are a character waiting to be played out in my written words. I will write you and you will disappear then
- You reckon? Speaking of women who are not virgins, I have a good mind to show you why I could not possibly be a vampire. Come to bed, it’s late
- No, I think I will write you out
- (laughs) nonsense. Even if you had words to describe some of our interactions, do you have enough words to describe the intensity of our lovemaking?
- Precisely. Come to bed
- I will still write some
- Be my guest
- Well actually I think I am more your host
- (laughs) you may well be. Come here, show me around you
- No, I want to write. I am not coming to bed
- Are you sure? (his breath is warm and cool all at once on her nape) Maybe I can convince you.
His breath slides down over her throat to her nipple. She feels the pressure of his faceless head on her breast, his arms around her, palms resting on the small of her back. The embrace is excruciatingly tender yet wanton. He coaxes her out of the armchair his body behind her guiding her. She reaches out, her open palms meeting the pulsation of his skin. Slowly she undresses watching where the room seems to be rippling, where he might be. He laughs. You know you don’t need to, he says, although I do prefer when you are naked.
She lies down on her stomach, face turned towards the side. She feels his lips on hers, the tautness in her hips as he slides into her partially sideways. Wave after wave submerge her. He is right. Nothing can describe this lovemaking. There is nothing in the human language that can possibly describe it. Every inch of her body is ablaze with his passionate presence. He is more present in his relative absence than any of the men she had ever made love with. She feels the electricity fill every cell in her, liquefying it, reducing her to a pool of desire, wrapped around his formless being. Her hands reaching out to keep him closer are met with waves of electricity. Something explodes in her brain as they climax shuddering. They stay like that a while before she feels him snugly fit into the curve of her back as she slowly turns sideways.
- I don’t think you should ever go away
- (laughs) you think too much. Sleep now, you don’t sleep enough
- Will you sleep?
- I will lie here, don’t worry
- Why do you stay?
- Do you still feel the need to ask that?
- Not really. I think you love me
- You know I do
- Do I love you?
- You know you do
- Will you ever be in a form I can see?
- Perhaps one day
- Does it matter?
- Well it doesn’t really… Matter! (laughs) I could do with some more matter, at least at your face so I can see what you look like
- Would it change anything?
- No, I guess not. In a way, I know you too well for it to change anything now
- Yes, I will. No, don’t move away, I want to feel you exactly that way, snugly fitting my back, nice and warm.
- (laughs) Are you sure you don’t want to write now instead of sleeping?
- No, I don’t want to write. I don’t want to sleep either
- (laughs) I know that look
She slowly turns partially on her stomach again. She feels the pressure on her lips. He is everywhere. She stretches, welcoming the surges. How could she have ever thought she could not go on like this? He laughs in her head as she turns to embrace him.
Lost – Shigeru Umebayashi
Kokuhaku – Shigeru Umebayashi
Polonaise – Shigeru Umebayashi
Train – Shigeru Umebayashi