Rat tat tat (a short stand-up sit down comedy)
24 September 2016
Cast : Mary (lead actress) Jonathan (small role)
Female voice (Mary) in the darkness
I can’t believe that director. Sitting there on his fat arse asking us to devote ourselves, to give ourselves up entirely to the art and quit thinking about anything else.
Well I’ll give you quit thinking about anything else. Like I did not see you leave from time to time. Every hour in fact. I know what you were doing Mister Director (sarcastic). Well we’re not made of the same stuff Mister Director. We can’t just rush behind some random …… or just use some…….
Lights come up. A sink on one side and Mary is sitting on a toilet. She’s got her panties down with her skirt covering the front part.
What? Even actors pee you know? (addressing the audience). You’ve never seen an actor pee? Well, it sure looked like that fat arse director never saw one pee either. He was bent on going on and on with the play like we could hold our bladders for more than 5 hours in a row. With a play where I’m supposed to gulp down a glass of water every 15 minutes because I’m nervous. How’s that for a challenge? Challenge yourself he says. Challenge yourself. Challenge smallenge. Well challenge your little …… (gestures with pinkie rather than say the word) Mister Director. Like we don’t know what you were running to that tree for, like a little doggie.
Someone knocks on the door
Busy! (addressing audience) You can’t even pee in peace when you’re an actor. You have to share the loo with at least 8 other women.(addressing herself, almost muttering) There are so many women in this field, it’s amazing! And of course, we all have the same problem. (addressing the audience) Did you ever pause to think about it? Men can do it anywhere. All they have to do is run behind a tree, open their fly (makes the gesture) and then go like a machine gun (shows with hand a gesture of spraying everywhere) rat tat tat, absolutely everywhere! Or even a wall with people behind them. I’ve seen it in some countries. They don’t care! They just open their fly again and go rat tat tat. (Pause) They can do it! You just see their backs, nothing more, no bottom showing, no other trace than the understanding that they must be doing it because you actually see something all over the wall then. We women can’t do that. (louder in a sarcastic note and addressing the door) We can’t do that Mister Director! (addressing the audience) We sadly have to actually remove our whole pants if we are wearing any or lift our skirts and remove our… (gestures towards her panties). That’s where the problem lies, the corpus delicti, otherwise known as the infamous (pause) panties!
Lights go out and come back on Mary washing her hands at the sink
(addressing self) When you think about it, that’s another thing. They never wash their hands (addressing audience) I don’t mean you Sir and you Sir and you Sir (half muttering to herself half stage whisper) although I’m not sure I’d have those peanuts after you in a bar (winks towards other women in the audience). Bernard (addressing just one part of the audience) my husband (Pause, makes a face and then frowns) ex-husband actually and you’ll know why in a second washed his hand always even though (violently shaking hands) he would always, just always go behind the tree. It was his favourite tree! It was mine too except it was his favourite for (she makes the gesture and nods towards audience) yes, you guessed it, rat tat tat and for me it was for the gardenias!
Pause. Lights go out and come back on her in another spot of the stage … or she can just move towards another corner of the stage
When we first moved into the house, I just loved that tree. It seemed like the perfect spot for a lovely bunch of gardenias so I weeded the whole place (addressing the audience) alone of course! Bernie could not be bothered. The only thing he could do was (gesturing) mow the lawn (makes the noise of a lawnmower) just on and on like a zombie. Then of course, all he could think of doing when he had to go was just run towards that tree and go … (points towards a random woman in the audience) yes, you guessed it honey, rat tat tat. (to self) In the beginning I could not figure out why my gardenias were looking so strange and withered (addresses audience) then I caught him right in the act when I watched him from the balcony. I mean, who goes behind a tree when his house is just a few meters away from the spot?! He could have gone inside the house. Not that it would have been so much better because then he would have gone rat tat tat on the toilet seat everywhere (addressing particularly women in the audience) I can see that that one brings out some memories ladies. (addressing all audience again) I can’t imagine when you have a precision tool that you can actually hold and direct, why you can’t just aim. Aim! For Pete’s sake. Aim! Not so hard is it? You do everything in the same way, the fly opening and everything but you just point it! How difficult is that? Just think of it as another finger. (sniggering and addressing women) Hopefully for you a bit bigger than a finger but … yeah, figuratively speaking of course (a short laugh) Whatever! Just point it! Just point the darn thing! (scratching side of face) Not so hard you know. I mean we can hardly point anything and yet we get it straight (addressing random male member of audience) What Sir? You would be able to do the same if you were sitting? Well by all means do that! I’m sure your wife would appreciate that you’re not going rat tat tat all over the toilet seat and the ground and sometimes the blasted bathtub (seems lost in thought all of a sudden) I can’t tell you about how many times I missed having a nice warm bath in the upstairs bathtub because it simply would not lose that (wrinkles nose and makes a disgusted expression) smell! I mean try imagining the scent of patchouli blending in with a two-day old pee scattered on the side. You don’t want to imagine trust me!
Person knocks on the door more insistently
Okay, okay okay! I’m coming out (goes towards door – fictional or real – and opens. Jonathan enters)
Mary: This is the women’s loo
Jonathan: (effeminate, throws hands up) Yeah, I know but the men’s busy. Besides, I prefer the ladies’ loo. The men’s always a bit… (throws hands up again) you know… (throws hands up) They go all over the place
Mary: You mean Rat tat tat
Jonathan: Yes (sizes her up puzzled) something like that.
(they switch places. Mary is closing the door behind her. Staged sound of peeing in the background)
Mary (addressing audience) You hear that? You hear that? That my friends is no rat tat tat. That is no random machine gun! That is a laser. Precision technique. Unfortunately, you can’t have them all. The precision comes with other disadvantages… (addressing random members of male audience) not saying you’re not a laser, just, you know…. Most of the time you know how it is. Come on… admit it! There goes that director again (listening to the director seemingly yelling) Coming! Coming! No Prima donna here, not at all! Yes… I know there are many women who would be happy to take the role. (more vehemently addressing the imaginary director at the back) I said coming! (addressing the audience) Can’t even pee in peace! What? Never heard of an actor peeing?
Light goes out
You can’t touch this – MC Hammer