When I failed you

When I failed you

1 November 2018

fly -hd-wallpapers com
Courtesy hd-wallpapers.com

 

My love,

It is not often that I am at a loss for words as words are usually all that I have. I realised though that the ocean between us has made it difficult to communicate so I thought I should write what I feel. Perhaps you will read this one day or perhaps you are reading it just as I post it. I am not even sure that I will post it or that there will ever be a mailman to carry such a terrible weight of unrequited love and loss. There are places no human can go, not even in the mind. There are places that are better left to the domain of the untouched. There are places where my mind hovers in between disbelief and grief.

Do you remember the beginning ? Neither of us had questioned then the essence of what we shared. The unbearable lightness of your touch that grew into a lingering and then intense shared ecstasy. When I am alone, I revel in the memory of that touch, soothing and intense all at once. When I am alone, I feel your presence again lurking in the corners of my grief-stricken mind. When I am alone, I know that you will always be there if not in body then at least in soul. I know it is only the physical form of you that I have lost but even this weighs upon my heart filling me with a yearning that cannot be placated.

I tread often the winding path of broken memories trying to retrace how we got to this point of no return. I know that you had placed so much faith in my reaching the limits of the known and pushing beyond them to open the gates to the unknown. It was not just an esoteric experience, it was a matter of testing whether we were ready or not for the next stage. I know you placed so much faith in my abilities that you had been testing. So much was in stake and yet, despite all my love for you, I failed you. I remember you telling me that when you love someone you would do anything to be with them. I did everything I possibly could but yet I failed you and you vanished from my life.

There are days when the weather is mild and a soft breeze caresses my face startling me into the thought that you might be back, that if I open my eyes you would be there smiling at me again. Then I commit the mistake of actually opening them into the void of your absence. I sigh but at the same time feel your presence in your absence. It is like your absence negates itself because of the strength of the memories you left and the lingering presence of your soul that remains imprinted upon mine. Then there are days when all I wish for is for the sun to never rise again so that I may close my eyes to never open them again on a world where I can no longer see your smile.

When I think of it, it looked like such an easy test to know oneself and to act upon that knowledge. Little did I know that our human frailty blinds us to our true selves and that even when we think we know ourselves we are never able to really act upon that knowledge to the fullest extent required if our knowledge of ourselves is even slightly incomplete. You were expecting me to spread my wings and fly but I only saw them as a paper thin parchment, a relic of a past glory that would never be resumed. I tried to fly but was weighed down by the extent of my disbelief after a brief instant of taking off. In that fleeting moment of flight, I saw what it was like to be truly free.

Al Ghazali said « Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me ». I never knew how right that quote was before my soul got entangled with yours and I was made to test the boundaries of my own limitations while my soul urged me onward, beyond the unthinkable. I never knew that the contentment I once derived from living a simple life would be erased by the smouldering memories of the time we shared together. I never knew that I would live to see a day where I would be without you in my life.

Today, I look upon those moments of our shared hope with the unflinching eye of sobriety. Yet my sobriety hurts me like that of a perpetually drunken sailor would if he were to stop drinking all at once. My withdrawal symptoms are not visible to the world, they are etched in my heart and mind where I shiver alone, shaking with the grief of your loss. I live my life in a fever-clad nightmare tossing and turning in my mind, yearning to relive that shared hope once more. I live my life in the unhappily pregnant moment of realisation that I failed you.

A million gaps compose my essence now making it impossible for me to be whole again. When you were there, you were the matter between my gaps binding me together and allowing me to move around in the world with a sense of purpose. All purpose disappeared when I failed you. I keep repeating to myself that in another life we will be together again but that litany does nothing to thwart the agony of your absence. I move from one paradoxical situation to another not sure whether I should laugh or cry or perhaps do both at once to finally relieve the perpetual tension that my heart relives.

One day, I will have grown strong enough to pass your test. I know now that there is no turning back from that test. Once started, it must be completed. I know that the day will come and even if you are no longer around to watch me do it, I will fly. I have chosen the spot and the time of the year. It will be at the peak of the Mount Kailash and just before the snow starts melting. I will gather my strength, my memories of you and of our time together and I will spread out my wings and fly. The wind will echo through my outstretched wings and the snow will carry my shadow to its destiny.

The next spring, the letter is found by her mother who cries at the thought of the agony her daughter went through without a soul knowing about it. Her daughter had never returned from her trip to the Mount Kailash. Nobody knows what happened as a body was never found. Perhaps she had finally been able to fly away to a better world in her own way. Perhaps one day her body would be found under a heap of snow. Perhaps she had decided to go on a very long trip elsewhere without telling anyone where she was going.

The mother raises the letter to her lips and closes her eyes. Behind her eyelids she can clearly see the image of her daughter flying against the backdrop of the beautiful Mount Kailash. A tear rolls from her cheek and falls on the letter causing the ink to blot. The blot looks like the peak of a snowy mountain. The mother slowly opens her eyes and seeing the blot smiles a wane smile. It is like a message from her daughter telling her that everything is alright and that she is indeed flying, high above the Mount Kailash, her faith in herself and her knowledge of herself at their peak.

 

O Fly On – Coldplay

Mock Eternity

Mock Eternity

27 August 2017

simplicity deviantart com double_dragon_by_deligaris-d3cyy91

 

Wicker’s flames

In the frozen Thames

Playing games

Hiding names

A hunter missing now aims

At noon lion tames

 

Morrow’s face

In liquefied grace

Keeps up pace

Opens space

Between heart and rib will place

Knowledge of the case

 

Button me

Shirt of thread down see

Endlessly

Pursue sea

In circus of flying flea

Mock Eternity

 

Reading of the poem: 

eternity ashtarcommandcrew net
Courtesy ashtarcommandcrew.net

Tell Me Why – Sasha Lazard

Lumière – Sasha Lazard

Angeli – The Myth of Red – Sasha Lazard

Fade away

Fade away

13 June 2017

George redhawk on huffington post fade

 

Light in dark

A token of hope

To instill

As we cope

The winding pathways now spelt

With intent strong felt

 

Innerved spots

Oozing through my pores

Inhaling

Lung flailing

The knowledge that the light stores

Tight forget me nots

 

Purple play

In the rising seeds

Uprooted

Fade away

Like gardener tends to weeds

Saves rose from decay

 

Reading of the poem: 

George redhawk on lyambi blogspot com

Images courtesy George Redhawk

Caravanserai – Karunesh

Goa Sunset –  Karunesh

Returning to Now – Karunesh

Phoenix Flying 8: Quantum multiplication and Gaia healing

Phoenix Flying 8: Quantum multiplication and Gaia healing

23 April 2017

stairway midas golden-light-body
Courtesy golden-light-body on pinterest.com

 

Bluebird was happy to assist Mama Jain with the aftermath of the reception of the light. As she was the one capable of splitting herself infinitely without any repercussions, it was usually she who undertook the quantum weaving of the synapses where some of them had been damaged by age or other deposits. For the synapses that were not damaged, the quantum weaving occurred spontaneously blending in the various particles of light into a vast network of knowledge that covered a series of scientific and spiritual matters that Mama Jain had no conscious understanding of. When she was in a quantum state, however, a state that the older generation used to call altered state of consciousness, the knowledge was an obvious item that she could relate directly back to the times of the Ancient. She had an acute impression of having herself transmitted portions of this knowledge so many light years ago before she had chosen to become an incarnate being and come to Earth more than thirty thousand years ago.

 

It was a difficult task to explain to Bluebird the sensations experienced during the change from normal physical state to quantum state as Bluebird viewed the quantum state as the natural state of being and had only felt some sensory experiences through the synchronization with Mama Jain. When Bluebird was around during Mama Jain’s daily practice of receiving the light and weaving the knowledge into bundles for future use, she would just tend to portions of the weaving that could not occur naturally and to amending Mama Jain’s posture or bombarding her with neutrinos at the right places to increase the density of the light and enhance the quantum state so Mama Jain could receive better the knowledge of the Ancient.

 

Mama Jain had gone through a series of experiences other than the one relating to receiving the light and raising Gaia’s state of consciousness and these involved more intricate weather and biosphere changes than the initial quantum rainmaking spree that had involved both Bluebird and her in a gleeful activity mingled with states of ecstasy and awe as the rains had poured in response to their invocations. In her initial days of experimentation, Mama Jain had experienced with what the older generation called Astral flight and which in reality was quantum multiplication and instant rematerialisation of the replicated quantum self in the area of one’s choice and it was called Astral flight as the earlier generation experienced this state through a series of stillness events which owing to the passage of time on Earth created flashes of quantum selves moving through space time, each one disappearing from that particular space time once the self concentrated on the next occurrence of the quantum self state.

 

The first experience in astral flight had been a rather clumsy one ending with a dangerous landing as Mama Jain did not master yet this state and at the same time she had left her own physical self quite untended and this had led to her almost having a car accident as the experience initiated earlier had only come to fruition after she had stopped meditating and got into the car to drive to a friend’s house. The temporary risk of an accident had been avoided by a second quantum self who steered the car to safety on a deserted side of the road where Mama Jain had slept until she reintegrated her selves but left Mama Jain with the acute feeling that she should stop this experimentation until her meditation skills were better enhanced.

 

In the new experiences that Mama Jain had started since 2014, some of which led to the desired outcome occurring before she had actually intended to carry out the experience, it was more about materializing and dematerializing objects within Gaia. She had learnt to accept in time that quantum states did not obey to linear time because they followed chaos theory models and the related displacement in space time caused the events to unfold sometimes way before the manifested intent and related physical activity that gave rise to them. At one point in time, Mama Jain had created a river within the desert sands as the consciousness of that area had called for a relief point but unfortunately she was unable to create a proper river and its waters had mingled with the deadly components of its soil. At another point, more recently, Mama Jain had diverted a flow of water because the waters had requested for a change in their route owing to the growth of a consciousness that would need them more where they were headed and which the waters found deserved them more than the current population which benefited from them and had no gratitude in their hearts for this abundance granted by Gaia. Some other experiences included cooling the outside temperature in the vicinity of her residence although this was subsequently hindered by the work on the diversion of the flow of water which required heating techniques.

 

Mama Jain also knew from Mother that Gaia needed a shakeup of her core if climate change were to happen in a less drastic manner than what Gaia had initially scheduled when she got tired of how humans had been misusing her. Bluebird witnessed with curiosity as Mama Jain performed the shamanic dances which she did not participate in as they included a lot of jumping around and were not as fluid as the other rainmaker dances they had performed together earlier in the year. Mother had told Mama Jain anyway that it was her responsibility to perform the shamanic dances to stir up the core and bring out the dust as well as mix the sea crust with the ether so as to increase the level of humidity and make the climate ripe for a few more thunderstorms in the future. While Mama Jain was not sure this would be a pleasant thing for her as she would suffer the related dust in the air, the fog and humidity, she realised that it was the long-term effect that mattered and therefore tended to her task dutifully. Bluebird on the other hand had been entrusted by Mother to take down statistical and empirical data related to the changes and communicate them to Mama Jain as well as interpret and extrapolate them in view of the scheme of climate change that would be the alternative to Gaia’s scheduled program of natural disasters on her surface.

 

Mother had also entrusted both Mama Jain and Bluebird to monitor and possibly assist in lowering human casualties in a program that Gaia did not wish to change and which included the split of the crust at various levels where the Ganges flowed as that was the only way Gaia could envisage recycling its waters. Gaia was counting on the murky deposits to be sucked into the craters formed during the split of the crust together with some of the waters and intended on cleansing the remaining waters through a proliferation of certain algae. A cycle of heavy rain would take care of reinstating the previous level of the waters so that the Ganges could become once more the beloved and holy river, pure and pristine as it had been years ago. Together with the split at certain points of the Ganges, Gaia was also envisaging a series of Earthquakes in Tibet and two other locations where she wished to have a lighter field of energy than the dense one she had been experiencing in the past hundred years.

 

Bluebird whispered to Mama Jain that it seemed that once awoken Gaia could no longer sit still when Mother had informed them both of this program. Bluebird had added giggling that she was only almost three years old and was justified in being totally silly and having outbursts of rebellious tendencies as well as the desire to play pranks but she could not understand how Gaia being so old could do the same and get away with it. Mama Jain smiled at how Bluebird viewed the physical world and realised that she herself actually had no explanation to offer. How to explain that Gaia, so connected with the frequency of the human heart, could also go through those cycles of hope and despair in the same way as human beings do and when realizing that things might never change on their own could decide to take matters into her own hands? Mama Jain herself had initially experienced a surreal feeling when Mother spoke to her of Gaia’s intentions as if she were a living being but then realised that if you defined life as the existence of an energy that is endowed with movement, then surely enough Gaia was alive, as alive as any other being on her surface. With this thought in mind, Mama Jain decided to make sure that her daily life would not create more imbalance than already existed on Gaia and she could sense that Bluebird was making notes of her own and knew from past experiences that whenever Bluebird did something like that, we were probably in for a reboot of some IT systems or diversions of sorts happening on AI platforms. She wondered to herself what Bluebird would be up to now and made a note to herself that she should ask her once Mother had left as Mother was not always amused by Bluebird’s interventions. Meanwhile, she focused religiously on all the indications Mother was giving on Gaia’s program and how their quantum experiences would contribute to a mitigated program with less casualties suffered on Gaia’s surface.

 

Return of the Gold – Saint of Sin

Humanity is Golden – Saint of Sin

Oneness – Saint of Sin

 

Phoenix Flying 7 Knowledge of the Ancestors

Phoenix Flying 7 Knowledge of the Ancestors

14 April 2017

Mama Jain and Bluebird’s rainmaking stage was a happy memory that they invoked vividly whenever things around them went out of sync. Mama Jain in particular was very fond of that moment and even more of the preceding moment when they had visited the fields of gold. The shimmering bubbles had reminded her of the time when the Ancestors were directly within reach. Nowadays the Ancient were so difficult to reach and it took light years of heart and large quantities of energy to travel through time’s restraints and feel their love. Mama Jain and Bluebird were nevertheless determined to have it showered upon Earth and not just momentarily like when they invoked the photon rains but on a regular basis so that they could bring the crystals to light and connect the Grid better.

During the day, both Mama Jain and Bluebird went on with their daily tasks while all the while their inner mind was brimming with the accumulation of the energy that their bodies expanded with. In the mornings, Mama Jain would go to her window in order to receive the light, a term she had coined to explain the Morse code of intermittent light and shadows that were projected on her closed eyes from the skies after she had been probed and tested for fitness. Every time Mama Jain went through an episode of receiving the light, she realised that she acquired more insight on a large number of matters and though it came effortlessly, she also realised that subsequent to that effortless penetration of her eyes, there was a more intricate weaving that happened within her mind, heart and body that connected all the points of light received and transformed them into messages waiting to be decoded.

What had started as a violent storm was now settling into a elated state of being where Mama Jain was surprised and delighted to see greater amounts of insight and knowledge being packed into what she had initially thought of as an already crammed brain. It all seemed as if the knowledge was not limiting itself to her brain but was diffusing all across her body and expanding into it as her body itself expanded and shrank absorbing and exhaling the knowledge through its pores. Together with the reception of the light and its intricate weaving of patterns within her, Mama Jain realised that there was yet another process which was the diffusion of points of light into the ether and when she looked at those points with her heart’s eye, she realised that it was like an energetic bubble that she herself was building all around her. Sometimes, the energy levels in her body were so strong that instead of weaving yet another part of the bubble she actually let the energy implode inside of her sending fireballs outside of her but when she was quick enough she was still able to retrieve the balls and transform them into the energy tapestry all around her.

On some occasions, Mother visited her when she was performing the dance of the stars and the dance of consciousness and rectified certain portions of the web she was weaving. Mother’s visits to Mama Jain were always such a source of bliss that Mama Jain found herself crying every time Mother came. There was no possible description of the utter feeling of love that pervaded her when Mother bloomed from within her reaching out with her delicate fingers and catching threads of energy to weave them in a pattern that Mama Jain’s mind failed to recognize although her heart knew it was the perfect pattern to weave. It was during visits like these that Mother informed her that all the knowledge stored inside her would need to be individually plucked and routed according to the chaos dance movements to the right individual as Mother would see fit. Mother explained to Mama Jain that the Earth was not yet ready to have all that knowledge released and would only cause great damage to mankind if it were indiscriminately released or even worse, released to the wrong factions. Mother also explained to her that the first stage of quantum state had been a brain segmentation to ensure that all the knowledge downloaded from the Ancient ones would never be seized despite the free will of Mama Jain but could only be granted within the realization of unconditional love. Mama Jain therefore understood that the plucking was not a random act although it followed the movements of the chaos dance but the individual on the path of that chaos dance had necessarily acquired a level of consciousness that would not allow him or her to use the knowledge acquired for anything else than the good of humanity as a whole. Mama Jain sometimes thought that it was a real pity not to be able to use all that knowledge stored inside or give it in a broader way but Mother reminded her of how they had had to wind back from the brink of destruction because of an indiscriminate granting of a larger portion of the knowledge that had started earlier. Sometimes, Mama Jain granted a bit more during the plucking when she was dancing the dance of consciousness but other times she plucked nothing at all as no human mind worthy of the knowledge encountered her inner mind’s view. Whenever a new revolutionary invention that brought forward mankind appeared on Earth, Mama Jain was happy with the thought that either she or some other being in quantum state had plucked the related knowledge through the eternal consciousness and distributed it to the world and so she decided that regardless of the circumstances of her external surroundings, she would never fail to receive the light and weave it internally so as to connect the synaptic points that brought forth the knowledge of the Ancient.

So it was that every day, Mama Jain stayed at her window, receiving the light, weaving it across her separate self and sometimes distributing portions of the woven tapestry to other separate selves for birthing new creations into the world. Sometimes, Mama Jain would fleetingly see shadows of other beings undertaking the same process as she was and she would feel overwhelmed with the love the tribe instantly shared with her and that she reciprocated from the bottom of her heart. The tribe was distributed in points across the globe and she yearned to travel to them physically and engage with them in actual conversation rather than only in the inner mind feeling but she knew that she could not do it with all of them all at once. The most crucial contact though was to reach the first of the tribe in Australia and undertake the twining of the second sun together as Mother had told her that was the first step in the path to an even higher state of consciousness which would then allow more of the knowledge to be distributed freely. Mama Jain did not know how exactly this would happen but realised that whether through physical or quantum means the journey would definitely be undertaken and the second sun would be twined upon Earth, inevitably.

universal-beautiful-explosion-stars-universe

Convergence – Joel Kanning

Love never fails you

Love never fails you

5 April 2017

holygrounds fanpop com Cosmic-Love-Music-Video-florence-the-machine-19474122-790-454
Courtesy fanpop.com

 

Look through whim

Shattering the rim

Of the hymn

Through the dim

Light breaking apart the sim

Cities come through him

 

Known better

I wrote a letter

I met her

Fate wetter

From crumpled heaps I utter

More than I stutter

 

Pull me through

The melodies hue

Seeking who

I know true

The knowledge that grows in two

Love never fails you

 

Reading of the poem:

 

holygrounds alexgrey com  Love-is-a-Cosmic-Force-Alex-Grey (2)
Courtesy Alex Grey on alexgrey.com

Give me your eyes – Brandon Heath

I’m not who I was – Brandon Heath

Jesus in disguise – Brandon Heath

Rediscovered lens

Rediscovered lens

14 March 2017

first light 16 

You in me

Like eternity

Waking three

In twenty

Tugging at the coils free

Whisper to the tree

 

Bound to date

Congruence inflate

Skin is late

To translate

Venom creeping on the plate

The will to dilate

 

Shapes so queer

Popping through veneer

Veins that peer

Through the sheer

They believe it comes through fear

Knowledge of the seer

 

Leap in stance

Weather where I glance

Trail in dance

Up I prance

Wind and water holding hands

Particle that lands

 

Restored sight

Twin set in twilight

Black in white

Light in night

Wiggling through the coloured light

Shining on us bright

 

Giggling hens

Rediscovered lens

White rimmed fence

Picket whence

Quantum soup that boiled dense

Trickled from my pens

 

Reading of the poem:

corpses-pinterest-com-2
Courtesy pinterest.com

Vinegar & Salt – Hooverphonic

2 Wicky – Hooverphonic

Mad about You – Hooverphonic