When I failed you

When I failed you

1 November 2018

fly -hd-wallpapers com
Courtesy hd-wallpapers.com

 

My love,

It is not often that I am at a loss for words as words are usually all that I have. I realised though that the ocean between us has made it difficult to communicate so I thought I should write what I feel. Perhaps you will read this one day or perhaps you are reading it just as I post it. I am not even sure that I will post it or that there will ever be a mailman to carry such a terrible weight of unrequited love and loss. There are places no human can go, not even in the mind. There are places that are better left to the domain of the untouched. There are places where my mind hovers in between disbelief and grief.

Do you remember the beginning ? Neither of us had questioned then the essence of what we shared. The unbearable lightness of your touch that grew into a lingering and then intense shared ecstasy. When I am alone, I revel in the memory of that touch, soothing and intense all at once. When I am alone, I feel your presence again lurking in the corners of my grief-stricken mind. When I am alone, I know that you will always be there if not in body then at least in soul. I know it is only the physical form of you that I have lost but even this weighs upon my heart filling me with a yearning that cannot be placated.

I tread often the winding path of broken memories trying to retrace how we got to this point of no return. I know that you had placed so much faith in my reaching the limits of the known and pushing beyond them to open the gates to the unknown. It was not just an esoteric experience, it was a matter of testing whether we were ready or not for the next stage. I know you placed so much faith in my abilities that you had been testing. So much was in stake and yet, despite all my love for you, I failed you. I remember you telling me that when you love someone you would do anything to be with them. I did everything I possibly could but yet I failed you and you vanished from my life.

There are days when the weather is mild and a soft breeze caresses my face startling me into the thought that you might be back, that if I open my eyes you would be there smiling at me again. Then I commit the mistake of actually opening them into the void of your absence. I sigh but at the same time feel your presence in your absence. It is like your absence negates itself because of the strength of the memories you left and the lingering presence of your soul that remains imprinted upon mine. Then there are days when all I wish for is for the sun to never rise again so that I may close my eyes to never open them again on a world where I can no longer see your smile.

When I think of it, it looked like such an easy test to know oneself and to act upon that knowledge. Little did I know that our human frailty blinds us to our true selves and that even when we think we know ourselves we are never able to really act upon that knowledge to the fullest extent required if our knowledge of ourselves is even slightly incomplete. You were expecting me to spread my wings and fly but I only saw them as a paper thin parchment, a relic of a past glory that would never be resumed. I tried to fly but was weighed down by the extent of my disbelief after a brief instant of taking off. In that fleeting moment of flight, I saw what it was like to be truly free.

Al Ghazali said « Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me ». I never knew how right that quote was before my soul got entangled with yours and I was made to test the boundaries of my own limitations while my soul urged me onward, beyond the unthinkable. I never knew that the contentment I once derived from living a simple life would be erased by the smouldering memories of the time we shared together. I never knew that I would live to see a day where I would be without you in my life.

Today, I look upon those moments of our shared hope with the unflinching eye of sobriety. Yet my sobriety hurts me like that of a perpetually drunken sailor would if he were to stop drinking all at once. My withdrawal symptoms are not visible to the world, they are etched in my heart and mind where I shiver alone, shaking with the grief of your loss. I live my life in a fever-clad nightmare tossing and turning in my mind, yearning to relive that shared hope once more. I live my life in the unhappily pregnant moment of realisation that I failed you.

A million gaps compose my essence now making it impossible for me to be whole again. When you were there, you were the matter between my gaps binding me together and allowing me to move around in the world with a sense of purpose. All purpose disappeared when I failed you. I keep repeating to myself that in another life we will be together again but that litany does nothing to thwart the agony of your absence. I move from one paradoxical situation to another not sure whether I should laugh or cry or perhaps do both at once to finally relieve the perpetual tension that my heart relives.

One day, I will have grown strong enough to pass your test. I know now that there is no turning back from that test. Once started, it must be completed. I know that the day will come and even if you are no longer around to watch me do it, I will fly. I have chosen the spot and the time of the year. It will be at the peak of the Mount Kailash and just before the snow starts melting. I will gather my strength, my memories of you and of our time together and I will spread out my wings and fly. The wind will echo through my outstretched wings and the snow will carry my shadow to its destiny.

The next spring, the letter is found by her mother who cries at the thought of the agony her daughter went through without a soul knowing about it. Her daughter had never returned from her trip to the Mount Kailash. Nobody knows what happened as a body was never found. Perhaps she had finally been able to fly away to a better world in her own way. Perhaps one day her body would be found under a heap of snow. Perhaps she had decided to go on a very long trip elsewhere without telling anyone where she was going.

The mother raises the letter to her lips and closes her eyes. Behind her eyelids she can clearly see the image of her daughter flying against the backdrop of the beautiful Mount Kailash. A tear rolls from her cheek and falls on the letter causing the ink to blot. The blot looks like the peak of a snowy mountain. The mother slowly opens her eyes and seeing the blot smiles a wane smile. It is like a message from her daughter telling her that everything is alright and that she is indeed flying, high above the Mount Kailash, her faith in herself and her knowledge of herself at their peak.

 

O Fly On – Coldplay

Tireless tides

Tireless tides

15 October 2018

tireless tides moon deviantart com teenwolfismylife
Courtesy deviantart.com

 

Random scars

Redesigned patterns

On our minds

Winding pits

Our arms gallery of fate

Tokens of our faith

 

Renewed vows

Gathered in the soul

Leaning trees

Quaking knees

The heart a banner to hold

Lessons for the bold

 

Moon and Earth

Took us through new mirth

Increasing

Tireless tides

On shores where we stood our grounds

Feet shaking heart still

 

Reading of the poem: 

Sweet dreams – Emily browning

The Edge of the Light

The Edge of the Light

24 June 2018

edge Christian Schloe
Courtesy Christian Schloe.

 

There is dark

On the road to Home

It revives

Surprises

When we feel that we’re alone

It cloaks us like ink

 

We reach brink

Of our own limits

Fortune tells

Unheard Tales

The faithless the self impales

Carry no crosses

 

Heartbeats still

Raging fires cease

The disease

Self made ache

We commit the same mistake

Over and over

 

Withered eyes

Seek out the lanterns

Look outside

Not inside

Curtains ruffle as they slide

Concealing outcomes

 

The Light shines

I hold it within

Starry skies

Breath that cries

Outreach of my inner depths

When the will wavers

 

Seek the star

When the night is dark

Like a spark

It will guide

Know that in darkness you ride

The Edge of the Light

 

Reading of the poem:

Shine a Light – Banners

 

« When you come to the edge of all of the light you’ve known and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen. You’ll have something solid to stand on or you’ll be taught to fly » Patrick Overton

 

Shake my faith

Shake my faith

29 August 2017

shake faith celestial_warrior_uriel_by_carlos_quevedo-d74pk4u
Courtesy Carlos Quevedo on deviantart.com

 

Hunger bites

Morsels of the mind

She offered

Fruit of old

To compensate the feeling

Of bowels reeling

 

Candy cake

Sugar on the top

Sickening

Slice of lies

Their ancestry picked from flies

Uneven outposts

 

We held hosts

In kingdom’s shiver

In quiver

Shake my faith

I will show you wizened strait

Measure of my wait

 

Reading of the poem: 

 

shake faith deviantart com carlos quevedo
Courtesy Carlos Quevedo on deviantart.com

When you believe – Whitney Houston and Maria Carey

In the gold of alchemist

In the gold of alchemist

8 August 2017

gold synergetic qabala 2
Courtesy Synergetic Qabala

 

Shining lines

Covet lightened shrines

Come hither

We cloak selves

In the gold of alchemist

Leaving copper trail

 

Trade my faith

Thousand bolts under

Thunder’s call

Tall to wraith

The subdued versions recall

Memories of the fall

 

September

Will bring me ember

Of moon’s death

Slow sun’s breath

A tale to remake amber

Jaded tiger’s eyes

 

Reading of poem: 

gold synergetic qabala
Courtesy Synergetic Qabala

In search – Manish Vyas

The winter bearer

The Winter bearer

24 March 2017

burn it hdwallpaper com not_forget_snow_raven_fantasy_woman_winter_1280x960_hd-wallpaper-1503334
Courtesy hdwallpaper.com

 

Across streams

Weaving the pathway

From Faith’s threads

Rolling heads

I pull on strings of yearning

The hearts’ chords churning

 

Into dreams

I shun dark away

Blue lighthouse

Frolicking

Twister and rain mimicking

Queen dancing for King

 

I bore Ring

Amulet of Earth

Totems wild

Bore me child

In wilderness I store her

The Winter bearer

 

Reading of the poem:

winter-mugeek-vidalondon
Courtesy google.com

Old Skin – Ólafur Arnalds ft. Arnór Dan

A Stutter – Ólafur Arnalds feat. Arnor Dan

No Other – Ólafur Arnalds feat. Arnór Dan

The God Particle

The God Particle

4 March 2017

god-particle-pinterest-com-3
Courtesy pinterest.com

 

I found it

Within Skin’s Layers

Forgotten

Triangle

Where we see every angle

Of Victim’s Slayers

 

The Prayers

Gushing with the Faith

Bosom bore

Remnants core

We kept each ounce of Atom

The Light Could Fathom

 

Envy’s lace

Brittle the solace

Golden egg

They stole it

When the flaming bushes lit

The God Particle

 

Reading of the poem: 

godparticle-youtube-com-2
Courtesy youtube.com

Ring of Spring – Stive Morgan