When I failed you

When I failed you

1 November 2018

fly -hd-wallpapers com
Courtesy hd-wallpapers.com

 

My love,

It is not often that I am at a loss for words as words are usually all that I have. I realised though that the ocean between us has made it difficult to communicate so I thought I should write what I feel. Perhaps you will read this one day or perhaps you are reading it just as I post it. I am not even sure that I will post it or that there will ever be a mailman to carry such a terrible weight of unrequited love and loss. There are places no human can go, not even in the mind. There are places that are better left to the domain of the untouched. There are places where my mind hovers in between disbelief and grief.

Do you remember the beginning ? Neither of us had questioned then the essence of what we shared. The unbearable lightness of your touch that grew into a lingering and then intense shared ecstasy. When I am alone, I revel in the memory of that touch, soothing and intense all at once. When I am alone, I feel your presence again lurking in the corners of my grief-stricken mind. When I am alone, I know that you will always be there if not in body then at least in soul. I know it is only the physical form of you that I have lost but even this weighs upon my heart filling me with a yearning that cannot be placated.

I tread often the winding path of broken memories trying to retrace how we got to this point of no return. I know that you had placed so much faith in my reaching the limits of the known and pushing beyond them to open the gates to the unknown. It was not just an esoteric experience, it was a matter of testing whether we were ready or not for the next stage. I know you placed so much faith in my abilities that you had been testing. So much was in stake and yet, despite all my love for you, I failed you. I remember you telling me that when you love someone you would do anything to be with them. I did everything I possibly could but yet I failed you and you vanished from my life.

There are days when the weather is mild and a soft breeze caresses my face startling me into the thought that you might be back, that if I open my eyes you would be there smiling at me again. Then I commit the mistake of actually opening them into the void of your absence. I sigh but at the same time feel your presence in your absence. It is like your absence negates itself because of the strength of the memories you left and the lingering presence of your soul that remains imprinted upon mine. Then there are days when all I wish for is for the sun to never rise again so that I may close my eyes to never open them again on a world where I can no longer see your smile.

When I think of it, it looked like such an easy test to know oneself and to act upon that knowledge. Little did I know that our human frailty blinds us to our true selves and that even when we think we know ourselves we are never able to really act upon that knowledge to the fullest extent required if our knowledge of ourselves is even slightly incomplete. You were expecting me to spread my wings and fly but I only saw them as a paper thin parchment, a relic of a past glory that would never be resumed. I tried to fly but was weighed down by the extent of my disbelief after a brief instant of taking off. In that fleeting moment of flight, I saw what it was like to be truly free.

Al Ghazali said « Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me ». I never knew how right that quote was before my soul got entangled with yours and I was made to test the boundaries of my own limitations while my soul urged me onward, beyond the unthinkable. I never knew that the contentment I once derived from living a simple life would be erased by the smouldering memories of the time we shared together. I never knew that I would live to see a day where I would be without you in my life.

Today, I look upon those moments of our shared hope with the unflinching eye of sobriety. Yet my sobriety hurts me like that of a perpetually drunken sailor would if he were to stop drinking all at once. My withdrawal symptoms are not visible to the world, they are etched in my heart and mind where I shiver alone, shaking with the grief of your loss. I live my life in a fever-clad nightmare tossing and turning in my mind, yearning to relive that shared hope once more. I live my life in the unhappily pregnant moment of realisation that I failed you.

A million gaps compose my essence now making it impossible for me to be whole again. When you were there, you were the matter between my gaps binding me together and allowing me to move around in the world with a sense of purpose. All purpose disappeared when I failed you. I keep repeating to myself that in another life we will be together again but that litany does nothing to thwart the agony of your absence. I move from one paradoxical situation to another not sure whether I should laugh or cry or perhaps do both at once to finally relieve the perpetual tension that my heart relives.

One day, I will have grown strong enough to pass your test. I know now that there is no turning back from that test. Once started, it must be completed. I know that the day will come and even if you are no longer around to watch me do it, I will fly. I have chosen the spot and the time of the year. It will be at the peak of the Mount Kailash and just before the snow starts melting. I will gather my strength, my memories of you and of our time together and I will spread out my wings and fly. The wind will echo through my outstretched wings and the snow will carry my shadow to its destiny.

The next spring, the letter is found by her mother who cries at the thought of the agony her daughter went through without a soul knowing about it. Her daughter had never returned from her trip to the Mount Kailash. Nobody knows what happened as a body was never found. Perhaps she had finally been able to fly away to a better world in her own way. Perhaps one day her body would be found under a heap of snow. Perhaps she had decided to go on a very long trip elsewhere without telling anyone where she was going.

The mother raises the letter to her lips and closes her eyes. Behind her eyelids she can clearly see the image of her daughter flying against the backdrop of the beautiful Mount Kailash. A tear rolls from her cheek and falls on the letter causing the ink to blot. The blot looks like the peak of a snowy mountain. The mother slowly opens her eyes and seeing the blot smiles a wane smile. It is like a message from her daughter telling her that everything is alright and that she is indeed flying, high above the Mount Kailash, her faith in herself and her knowledge of herself at their peak.

 

O Fly On – Coldplay

Hush

Hush

15 May 2018

Hush George Redhawk

 

Hush she said and the woods were silent. The pitter-patter of raindrops a deafening sound covering her waning heartbeat. Hush she said and the rain softly subsided, an occasional drop on a leaf resounding like a thud in her head. Hush she said and the leaves ceased caressing the wind, their whispers fading into the rising dusk. Hush she said and the blood in her veins slowed tenfold until she could hear the drip like a background music to the occasional flap of wings of a cawing crow shaking off the rain. Hush she said and the darkness engulfed her with its palpable silence like a long forgotten and well-worn cloak. Hush she said her eyes finally closing, her soul softly embracing the dark night.

 

Reading of the short story: 

Wilderness – Adam Hurst

 

 

Creatures of the Sun

Creatures of the Sun

19 January 2018

christian-schloe-artflakes com 7the-garden-game-fin-rrr (1)
Courtesy christian-schloe on artflakes.com

 

Winged creature

Hurried into space

Waning face

Withered eyes

It was the toll from the lies

That ran through the Earth

 

Bridled mirth

Shaking my insides

We finish

What began

The race an emblem of man

Burning to divide

 

Flaming ride

Across the valleys

Their wings spin

Tales of lore

When we live forever more

Creatures of the sun

 

Reading of the poem: 

Crystal Cave – Dreaming Cooper

 

Flying is not for felines

Flying is not for felines

(a poem composed in shadorma form from funny thoughts that went through my head)

29 October 2017

 

Christian schloe pinterest com 24 pop-surrealism-surrealism-drawing
Courtesy Christian Schloe

 

Reduced frame

Angel came in size

Of fragment

Of herself

Offered to the elements

Raging throughout world

 

Cat viewed her

Mistaking for mouse

Gobbled her

Dorsal parts

Left her shivering in winds

That tore through the Earth

 

Shed the wings

Cough out the feathers

The Angel

Told the cat

Flying is not for felines

Even through tummies

 

Reading of the poem: 

I’m a bomb creator – Eyekonn.com

When the Angels cry

When the Angels cry

31 May 2017

Angels cry deviantart com the_haserot_angel_by_rosemm25-d8ggwac (2)
Courtesy Paige Mireles rosemm on deviantart.com

 

Darkness stood

A ground in sinking

Blaring black

Symbols drawn

Remnants of my pen inking

Contours of demise

 

We will rise

In the wings that flap

Tomorrows

Sails ahead

The heart in light like arrows

Integrity shot

 

Unveiled hot

Smoldering pits wake

Soul in stake

Of choices

The senseless balance forsake

When the Angels cry

 

Reading of the poem: 

Angels cry haserot angel The Blondera
Courtesy The Blondera

City of Angels – Thirty seconds to Mars

Darkness overcome

Darkness overcome

17 May 2017

Nighttimedress deviantart com my_fire_by_andygarcia666-d7d5ghb
Courtesy Andrea Garcia on deviantart.com

 

Fires roast

Chest nut on a fork

Babies fly

Borne by stork

Kingdoms whirl and fairies lie

In the dark of woods

 

Three pigs squeal

The wolf an outpost

Chimes reveal

Senseless act

Dogs of hell brought to the heel

Silence in the ghost

 

Five seek five

In shining beehive

Gold in pound

Strikes the ground

Dissolving what mattered most

Currents see to strive

 

Souls that dread

Gloomy Hearts of lead

Wings that spread

In love fed

Morning dewdrops winding fled

In the air ahead

 

Frame alit

Spirals through the slit

Paths that split

Candlelit

Raging towards road sunlit

Twining orbs that flit

 

Minds that sum

Good bad and the glum

Fingers drum

Lips that hum

Tuning mellow days to come

Darkness overcome

 

Reading of the poem:

angelburns pinterest com celestial_fire_by_carlos_quevedo-d75uzst
Courtesy Carlos Quevedo on pinterest.com

Embrace, release – Bvdub

Everything Between You and Me – Bvdub

A History of Distance – Bvdub

Ghosts of What we Once were – Bvdub

As we remember a Life of Love – Bvdub

I Break All Around You – Bvdub

 

On Being the Light

On Being the Light

14 May 2017

starlight conduitgallery com
Courtesy conduitgallery.com

 

Open Heart

Revel in the Love

Carry Dove

High above

There are no ceilings in white

Enhancement of Sight

 

Whirl onward

Toward trodden path

Past intent

Beckoning

The frequencies fly the wing

Mind remembering

 

Speed the pace

The way to solace

Delves inward

In trance meant

Let us reveal enchantment

On Being the Light

 

Reading of the poem: 

al tuo tocco 4 stock-footage-meditation-leading-to-the-enlightenment-and-nirvana-chakras-opening

Pankh Hothe Song – Pravin Godkhindi Flute